{CSI:LV} - 20 1st Times - Prompt #1: Breakdown

Title: Fallout
Author: Bon
Fandom: CSI: LV
Claim: Gil Grissom
Rating: 15+ (Violence and non explicit sex)
Prompt #1: Breakdown
Words: 2,989
Summary: Set during and after 3x22 - Play With Fire and 3x23 - Inside the Box. Grissom realises that life is too short and that a person who was very important to him was almost lost. A Gil Grissom/Greg Sanders pairing.

~~~

An explosion in the lab. That was the start of it. Chaos and destruction. Glass everywhere. It was a day of nightmares for everyone involved. But some had been closer than others to the epicentre.


I'd heard the deafening noise and looked around, slightly lost before running towards the crime scene. I saw him lying there covered in broken glass, broken himself. The human body was not designed for flight, especially if powered by a bomb. I wanted to hold his hand, tell him it would be okay but that isn't me. Instead, I waited with him until the paramedics got there, shouting orders to my team, telling them what to do all the time watching his back rise and fall, the only indication that he was still breathing. He was barely conscious when they took him out, not even registering the fact that I walked beside him.

I watched the doors close on him and the ambulance leave before turning back. I'd almost lost him. I could still lose him. They didn't know how badly hurt he was. I didn't know if he would come back to the lab. Lost before I'd even told him how much I respect him... But more than that. Before I told him how much I'd miss him if he weren't there. It was a silly thing to admit, a teenage thing but I had a crush on Greg Sanders. Even in my head it sounded ridiculous. But that was how it stood. Irrational happiness when he was nearby, palms sweating, a sudden stiffness. I combated it by focusing on the job, by putting up that hard exterior that I lived behind but there were times when I thought that I'd been found out. A knowing look, a brush of hands over mine as he handed me a report. But nothing had come of it.

Nothing had come of it and he'd almost died. Maybe this was the kick I needed to get me moving, to make me admit that I wanted Greg Sanders in a way that would be frowned on by the rest of the office. Maybe. But first, I had a job to do. I threw myself into my work, letting the logic carry me forward and away from the emotion. It was easy to do. Logic didn't make you question your age. Logic didn't make you wonder if you were deluding yourself. Logic didn't reject you. But then... Sara walked into my office.

"Would you like to have dinner with me?" She asked, hopefully.

"No." I shook my head. I had pictured dinner with one of my work mates but it hadn't been Sara.

"Why not!" So quick, as if she had been expecting me to say no. "Let's have dinner, let's see what happens."

It seemed as if I wasn't the only one who had decided that life was too short, who had taken stock of the world and decided to go after what we wanted.

"Sara," I paused, searching for the right words. "I don't know what to do about this."

"I do." She answered.

We looked at each other for a moment before she spoke again. "You know, by the time you figure it out, it could be too late."

I watched her go. She was right. Not about her and me but about everything and me. My life, my hearing, Greg. Something had to shift and change. I couldn't just be focused on work. I needed more. I needed someone to wake up to but would he reject me? That was a chance I would have to take.

I walked out of the office and sat into my car, driving to the hospital. I passed Catherine on the way out, exchanging small talk. She'd told him the results of her findings and he'd taken it well. Accidents happen and it had been only a matter of time I suppose. I stopped outside his door, willing myself to take those last few steps. He was a work colleague, a friend and hopefully more. Damn it, I shouldn't feel this nervous.

I wiped my hands on my khakis and pushed open the door. A slightly drugged smile and the nicest pair of brown eyes greeted me. I smiled back and moved into the room, pulling up a chair.

"How are you feeling?" I asked, a safe question.

"Good. They have me on more drugs than I process in a week." He grinned at me.

"Catherine told you what happened?" It was more of a statement than a question but it was professional, work related, safe.

"Yeah. It was an accident." He dropped the smile a little.

I knew he was hurting but didn't want to admit it. I also knew that he didn't want to blame Catherine. It was just how he was. We sat in silence for a while. He just watched me, his eyes growing heavier as I watched.

"I'm glad you're alright, Greg." I spoke softly. "I was worried."

I looked away, not able to look him in the eye as I said the next words. "I was afraid that you were dead when you were lying there, Greg. I was afraid I'd never get a chance to tell you how much you meant to me... and not just in the lab. I guess I'm saying that..."

I turned to look at him but his eyes were closed. I smiled and moved closer, brushing a stray strand of hair out of his eye. He looked so sweet as he lay there. I reached out and brushed my knuckle over his cheek, steering clear of any bruises. It wasn't the right time. It could wait. Anyway, a hospital wasn't the right place for declarations of love or lust or whatever this was. So I waited.

~~~

It was only a few days later when I got a page from Greg. He had insisted on coming straight back to work, back on the horse as it were. I'd tried to get him to take administrative leave but he didn't want it. He was his usual self again, or seemed to be but I was worried it was just a cover up of something deeper. I kept an eye on him, or as much as I could, considering that we had a full caseload.

I walked into the lab, bracing myself for that usual reaction but it was straight to business. Bloodstains, murder weapons, everything you'd expect on a normal investigation. His voice was steady but I noticed it. The sheet of paper in his hands fluttered like it was caught on a breeze but there wasn't a hope of a breeze in the sealed lab. I took it from him as I talked about the case. He held up another sheet of paper and it too shivered in his grasp. It wasn't nerves. It wasn't fear. That left only one thing.

"Greg, your hands are shaking." I stated, bringing his attention to the problem that he had probably already noticed.

"No they're not." He seemed puzzled at my words, looking down to check.

He saw it, heard the paper rustling as it moved. He looked up at me, a mixture of disbelief and fear in his eyes before looking down again. I could tell he was confused; his body wouldn't do what he told it. He couldn't make it stop. I knew the feeling. My ears had been fuzzing in and out all day, leaving me staring at people's mouths to catch what they were saying. I was going to cure my problem; maybe I could help him with his.

I took the sheet of paper from him and told him to put his hands out. He did it without pause. He watched for a second before giving in.

"They've been shaking ever since..." He gestured over to the lab currently being cleaned up and rebuilt.

He smiled that small smile of his. "Can't really make it stop..."

"Is it affecting your work?" Professional Grissom came to the fore again before I could stop myself.

"If I was a bomb expert, maybe." He smiled at me but then paused and really answered the question. "Nah, I think I have it under control."

"It'll stop." I said.

Greg was more than this. A simple explosion wouldn't get him down. He'd be okay. He had to be.

"If you need me, I'll be around." I said, as I walked away.

"Okay." The words trailed after me.

I wanted to say more but I didn't know what to say. I wasn't good at this interaction stuff. Facts were easier. You didn't have to worry about fact's feelings. But facts couldn't hold you at night or share a joke. I sat in my office, thinking. I was hiding again. Hiding from my feelings, from taking that last step and actually saying what I felt. But maybe after tonight it would be easier. After tonight I wouldn't be defective. I wouldn't have to watch lips instead of hearing the words. A little procedure and everything would be back to normal. I'd be whole again, normal.

The procedure went like clockwork. Everything was over before it began really. Counting backwards from one hundred until I woke up again. A quick check up to make sure that the anaesthesia had no ill effects. In truth, I was putting off going home... But eventually, there was no choice.

I opened the door to my house and bent to pick up the mornings mail, putting it to one side. Sitting down on the couch, I pulled out a book, starting to read. Another journal on the differences in mating cycles of the African and American fruit flies. Needless to say it was riveting but I was asleep before the first page turn.

A loud hammering on the door woke me. It was hard to pull myself up but I did it. I glanced through the peephole and barely believed what I saw there. I pulled open the door and looked at the man that stood there.

"Greg?" I asked, even though I could see him clearly and knew it was him.

"I'm sorry. I should have called first." He seemed nervous.

"No. It's alright. Come in. What's wrong?" Of course I assumed something was wrong. Greg never visited me, nobody did.

For the longest time, neither of us spoke. He just moved around the room. Greg was taking in all my books and the bugs that I had framed on the wall. I sat down again, my balance not being perfect yet.

"I dropped a tray of sample vials today in the lab." Greg said, not looking over. "There were no samples in them. They were empty. But still, ya know?"

"Was it the shaking?" I asked, quietly.

"No." He paused, smiling, but the smile never reached his eyes. "No, someone let the door bang closed. I jumped. Everything went on the ground."

He looked down, looking at his hands. "It's getting worse, Griss." His voice was quiet.

I stood, walking over to him. I took his hands in mine and held them. I pressed them together, tight enough that they weren't able to shake. I looked him in the eye, making sure that he was looking back.

"We can deal with this, Greg." I spoke seriously, making sure that he understood my words. "Together."

He smiled, looking up and down in that nervous way of his before looking me in the eye. Then he smirked. And then he did something that I never expected. He leaned in and kissed me. It was a soft kiss, tentative but not unwelcome. I'll admit I was shocked. He pulled back, his beautiful brown eyes searching my face. I smiled, still stuck for words.

"At the hospital..." Greg started. "I wasn't asleep, at least not at first. I heard what you said. Or at least I thought I did." He grinned. "I wasn't sure that I hadn't made it up. Wishful thinking, ya know?"

"You didn't." I said, still holding his hands but now my thumbs were rubbing over his skin.

He leaned in again, kissing me again. This time I reacted, letting my mouth open slightly as he kissed me deeper. His eyes were twinkling as he looked at me. I led him back to the couch and pulled him down with me. I was amazed, still in shock. I mean it was a dreams-come-true moment. I felt that at any moment I would wake up on the couch and find that the whole thing had been a product of my imagination.

We were moving a little fast and before I realised it Greg had asked if he could stay over. I was about to protest when I realised that I didn't want to. Waking up beside someone that you liked, maybe even loved, was the best feeling in the world and one that I had been missing for far too long. I smiled and told him that he was welcome to stay over. Eventually, we would have to have the talk but that could wait for now. Unfortunately, there was another talk we had to have first.

"Greg..." I started, still wondering how I was going to say this. "... I'm not too good at this whole thing." Meaning relationships.

He just smiled and looked at me. "Griss... Gil, don't worry. It's new territory. I say we just take it slow, see where it goes."

I smiled and shook my head. "When did you get to be so smart?"

He turned serious for a second. "When I realised that I wanted more than to just work in a lab. I'm not saying this will be easy, but let's give it a shot?"

He didn't wait for an answer, just turned and walked towards the bedroom at the back of the house. I was nervous. I'm not exactly the type that goes to the gym every day and running around after clues will only do so much. Middle age had caught hold of me and made me regret the fast food lifestyle I had through college and graduate school. But I followed anyway.

Greg was pulling his shirt off, tossing it on the back of a chair. He turned and looked at me, a nervous smile on his face. His torso was still covered in small cuts and bruises but he was perfect. My hands itched to touch him. I walked forward, taking him in my arms and kissing him. His hands, caught between us, undid my shirt buttons one by one and when they were all undone, pushed the shirt from my shoulders. I tried to keep him pressed against me, so he wouldn't see me, but he pulled back, taking everything in. And then he smiled as if he knew what I was thinking and was setting me at ease.

Piece by piece, the clothing was removed and left to lie where it fell until we were naked and lying in each other's arms, staring into each other's eyes. It all felt so natural, pressed together like this. We kissed as our hands explored every inch of exposed flesh. It had been a long time for me and I was nervous. I took my time though, ignoring Greg's protests. Finally, when I knew that there was no way that I could hurt Greg, I slid inside him, letting him wrap himself around me. We looked into each other's eyes as we made love, tender and slow at the start before the rhythm became fast and furious. Both of us rapidly coming close to a peak. Greg cried out as he came, clenching down at the same time and bringing me with him. I collapsed down beside him, panting but smiling as I looked over at him.

Greg was smiling as he drifted off to sleep, sated. I couldn't help but just watch him for a few minutes. His face was angelic as he slept, already snoring very gently. I reached out, running my hand over his skin. Making sure this was real before I let sleep claim me again.

Later, I don't know how many hours later, there was a scream. I was awake even before I was sitting up in my bed, looking around. Greg was thrashing beside me, screaming and whimpering in his sleep. I was instantly worried. I reached out, shaking him lightly, trying to wake him.

"Greg? Wake up, Greg." I said, repeating it again, getting louder until he woke.

Teary eyes looked up at me until he rubbed a hand over them.

"Gil?" He asked.

"You were having a nightmare." I was still worried. "You okay?"

Greg looked out into the distance. "Been having them since that day. Not the first night. Too drugged up, but since then. I'd wake up screaming, thinking I was covered in blood or worse."

I pulled him up into my arms. Had no one else noticed that Greg was suffering from posttraumatic shock? Had I not noticed that he was close to a breakdown? Tomorrow I'd call Catherine and get her to set up an appointment for Greg with a good therapist, not the department one. She knew the names and numbers better than I did for this sort of thing. I rocked him gently, whispering soothing sounds into his ear, telling him that it would be alright. He settled again and we settled down to sleep.

"Hold me?" Greg asked, his voice barely over a whisper.

I didn't hesitate. I pulled him into my arms and kissed him on the forehead. "Always!" I answered, meaning it.

I could feel Greg smile against me and it was enough. I held him for the rest of the night, sacrificing my own sleep to make sure that he was safe. No more dreams came that night. Or any other, for that matter.

An explosion in the lab. That was the start of it. As for the end of it, I hope it never comes.